So Tony and I had a little hang out the other night. There were good parts and bad parts, but by the end of the night, I was in tears. And it wasn't tears of the fact we're still not together, it's the fact that I don't feel like I have him really there.
Eli had his Christmas pics done, and when we arrived I saw Tony, but he was with the new girl. It kills me inside only because he knew I was coming up there and it felt like he was making sure I saw them. I made a deal, I won't disrespect as long as he didn't, and I felt very disrespected. How are we supposed to have a friendship if number 1 we can't stand to see each other with another and number 2 we fight about shit that doesn't matter.
And what it really boils down to is we broke up because I wouldn't stay the night with him and my mother gave me a curfew....it wasn't really a curfew, it was a time I needed to be home because I have a child! To be honest, I told him that I was still in love with Hunter, but I can't stand the bastard! He is nothing more than a sperm donor at this point. I just didn't know how to stop hurting with Tony. He wanted to be a daddy to this precious little girl, and I ruined it by saying something that wasn't true. And I have to keep a wager of basically not feeling anything for Tony. Pills only go so far, but true pain never gets better. So right now I am just going to keep telling myself and others that there is nothing until it becomes true. Until basically I don't want to feel anything for anyone because I don't want to hurt anymore! Let's see how this works.....
And if you are reading this Tony, this is my heart. This is my truth, and you should know
